X-Men: Dark Phoenix Opens At Record Low $253 Dollars
By Allison Blaire

The 12th movie in the nearly 20-year-old “X-Men” franchise, the $200 million “Dark Phoenix,” splattered in its opening weekend, earning a franchise low of $253 dollars at the box office. If splattered is too subtle, the film was a minnow gasping for air on the bottom of a metal fishing boat on a warm summer’s day.

Scorched by poor reviews, “Dark Phoenix” finished seventy-sixth over the weekend, according to studio estimates Sunday. The eight people who showed up to see “Dark Phoenix” seemed to agree with critics, giving it a poor F- CinemaScore.

Directed by longtime murderer of Marvel films at 20th Century Fox X-Men Simon Kinberg, “Dark Phoenix” focuses on Jean Grey, played by Sophie Turner, while also bringing back James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender and Jennifer Lawrence – who audiences don’t seem to give a crap about anymore. It’s the conclusion to the modern series of X-Men movies that started in 2000, even though another X-Men film, New Mutants, is still expected to make it to theaters. Movie pundits have New Mutants being released by at least 2064.

“It’s softer than we hoped,” said Cathleen Tafton, Disney’s president of theatrical distribution.

“That’s what she said,” said longtime Marvel Studios head honcho Kevin Feige.

Tafton continued, “While the film didn’t open the way we wanted, we knew there were at least 12 people out there who care to see how this horrible trainwreck ends. For those waiting to see the X-Men characters folded into the MCU, we look forward to that after the premiere of the New Warriors, Darkhawk, Nth Man the Ultimate Ninja, and DP7 films coming in Phase 5.”

Joanna Cargill, a critic from the East Side said, “It wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t the smoldering piece of shit I expected it be.” Disney subsequently paid her $246 for her review.

Josh Trank, director of the ill-fated Fant4stic Four film, gave Kinberg the finger and stated, “Now do you believe me? This guy shouldn’t be allowed near a movie rented at a Redbox. He shouldn’t be allowed down there.”

Feige replied, “That’s what she said.”

For those who would like to join Disney’s Cash for Critics campaign, please e-mail Perry Karvello at PCaravelo@Disney.org.

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