Reviewed by: Ryan McLelland

When I walked out of Tomb Raider, I was pretty stunned. I really honestly couldn’t believe how terrible the film was. The day has finally come where a new reboot Tomb Raider movie based on the reboot game has come along and the result is just some abysmal pile of garbage. I couldn’t wait to write the review as I tweeted right out, “Wow. Tomb Raider was just AWFUL. They should have called it Boring Misogynistic Video Game Film Reboot starring Alicia Vikander’s grunting.”  I’m not trying to be witty. I’m serious. This is schlock at its finest.

Just two weeks ago I rewatched the Tomb Raider films. The first movie is a silly but fun piece of garbage starring Angelina Jolie’s breasts. I can’t remember the plot but there are some silly robot fights, a great action sequence within Croft Manor with Angelina whisking through the air, a very skinny Daniel Craig, and a bad guy who was after something or another. The second film had the breasts sidelined as Angelina took the main stage. My memory told me that Cradle of Life was the better film but if it was, it has not aged well. Once again the plot is so forgettable all I remember is baddie Ciaran Hinds killing some dude in a jet, Angelina teaming with a skinny Gerard Butler, and a chase through sampans on a Hong Kong harbor. While both movies have aged terribly, the first film was certainly a bit more fun.

Tomb Raider is based on Square Enix’s 2013 reboot series. After years of selling less and less games, the First Lady of gaming got a very Unchartedesque reboot with Lara as a young waif and not the hardcore adventurer we all know and love. The plot of this film takes a lot from its video game predecessors but A LOT more boringer.

Directed by Roar Uthaug (how I love Norweigian names), Oscar winner Alicia Vikander follows right in the footsteps of Angelina. Win an Academy Award then sign on for a bad action movie for a good amount of money.   Vikander’s Lara isn’t some rich girl. She a bike courier learning how to box and struggling to survive. Her father is missing and those who are running his business empire want Lara to declare Lord Croft dead. She finally relents but in doing so she finds herself going down a path and discovering what her father was after.  Because she is a super rich girl just deciding to live as a pauper because reasons or something.

It seems what her father was after was some ancient Goddess of Death who was laid to rest on some barren island that no one can get to. Going to Hong Kong, Lara ends up on a chase through some sampans on a Hong Kong harbor. She finds the son of a son of a sailor and they embark to the island but the boat crashes and there’s bad guys on the island and they are looking for the tomb of the death goddess and Walton Goggins is their leader and he wants to find the tomb to get off the island and has his own slave force and…

MY GOD MAN THIS IS MINDNUMBLINGLY AWFUL.

If you go in expecting Lara to be this badass hero then you are shit out of luck. Lara is really able to hold her own. She also can get the ever living shit beat out of her consistently. If you are the type of person who loves watching a woman get the crap beat out of her then Square Enix, MGM, and Uthaug have the movie for you.

Now I don’t want to hear all the “But it’s based on the video game so it had to be like this” crap. Because it doesn’t. I get that this is an early Lara adventure but it’s not helped by a ton of CGI backgrounds, a ton of Vikander’s stunt double, Vikander’s consistent grunting, boring nameless bad guys (sans Walton Goggins who at least didn’t phone it in), and a horrid conspiracy plot you figure out about fifteen minutes into the film.

At first I thought this film was better than the first two films at the start but that quickly went out of my mind as the film crumbles. The first two films were at least a bit of fun. This just looks like a boring, over produced piece of garbage that cribs a TON from Uncharted. The screenwriters also subscribe to the Indiana Jones step on a stone and something happens trick over and over and over and over again.

SCREENWRITER #1: Then what happens?  They go further in the tomb and?

SCREENWRITER #2:  Then someone steps on a stone and….the floor falls out!

SCREENWRITER #1: Like The Goonies?

SCREENWRITER #2: EXACTLY!

SCREENWRITER #1: Wow. This screenplay is SO good. Pass the pot brownies.

Tomb Raider is a completely recycled piece of garbage and an utter waste of a $100 million budget.    I doubt the film will go past $55 million in the United States and will only surpass the budget with overseas grosses. But I’m sure, like Cradle of Life, this will be considered a bomb. It is a bomb, in more ways than one. Do yourself a favor and just stay home and watch Raiders or Goonies instead. You’ll have a much better time.

RATING: D

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