SPOILERS AHEAD but trust me.  You will not care.  You will not care at all.

Mother! is the absolute worst fucking movie I’ve ever seen ever.  EVER.  I’ve seen bad movies that were good.  I’ve seen subpar movies that fail on a technical level.  I’ve seen shitty special effects.  I’ve seen Ed Wood flicks and The Room.  I’ve seen films that I had to walk out of the theater. I’ve seen so many movies over the years it would astonish you.  And none of them…NONE OF THEM…was as fucking horrible as this horrible fucking movie.

OH MY GOD.  I would rather change shitty diapers for a month straight then watch this movie again.  I would crawl through that pipe of shit that Andy Dufresne crawled through over and over and over again.  I’d rather be waterboarded by the CIA.  I’d rather get kicked 97,000 times in the balls in a row.

Do you want to know what this movie is?  This movie is that pretentious Ivy League douchebag you meet at a party who has studied philosophy for four semesters.  He’s that guy who will continue to smell and swirl his glass of wine as he quotes Kierkegaard. He is that guy you’d ask onto the balcony only to push him over.

I’d rather be John Wayne Bobbitt then watch this movie again.  I’d rather have my dick cut off and thrown into traffic then even think of watching this crappy shit again.

I thought the trailer was effective.  It didn’t tell you much but I thought it had shades of Rosemary’s Baby.  My boy Brandon wrote a review which I read up until he mentioned spoilers.  Brandon enjoyed the film but also acknowledged this this film probably wasn’t for everyone (click the link to get check out Brandon’s review.  Bookmark as well – Brandon writes some AMAZING reviews).  My buddy Jeff reposted Brandon’s review saying, “Looks like Requiem For A Dream has a bigger, meaner and more violent brother. Thanks Brandon Norwood for another spot on review.”

I really adore Darren Aronofsky’s films.  I LOVE five out of his last six films (I think The Fountain is…okay). Requiem for a Dream is just a beautiful mindfuck while The Wrestler is probably his finest work in both character development, story, and direction.

Brandon’s spoilers (seriously…go read his review.  It is pretty amazing) talk about how this film is Aronofsky’s vision of a fever dream being allegorical to the Bible and to how humans are wrecking the Earth.  For every tree hugger out there who thinks the world is going to end because of humans I hate to break it to you but the only thing we are doing is killing ourselves.  Humanity will die.  The Earth?  The Earth will still be here long after we are gone.  The planet isn’t going anywhere.  Can we make it uninhabitable for us?  Sure.  We are fucked.  The planet?  Couple billion years to go still.  We are but a blip.

The film all takes place at a secluded house.  There’s no roads.  There’s just the house.  Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem live there.  Their characters don’t have names.  About twenty to thirty minutes in you get the feeling that something is up.  People come to the house but there is no way to get there.  The characters are never called by name.  Nothing.

So people keep showing up.  J-Law wants them to leave.  Javier wants them to stay.  Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer show up and are just the first two assholes who won’t leave the house.  J-Law wants everyone out but no one listens.  More people show up.  No one listens.  More people show up.  No one listens.  And this happens over and over again as things get worse and worse until in the end everything is destroyed.  The house.  Everything.

I don’t care if this is an allegory.  I don’t care if Jennifer Lawerence is the Earth, if Bardem is God, if the work he is writing is the New Testament.  I don’t care about any of it.  If God is a douchebag living in the middle of the woods that doesn’t help his wife Mother Earth as she tries to repair things but has modern amenities like electricity, oil heat, telephones, cell phones, and more then so be it.  It gets worse and worse for J-Law until we reach a third act which is filmed like a goddamn nightmare.  The same thing happens in Aronofsky’s masterpiece Requiem for a Dream.  In Requiem we watch what all the main characters are going through and it is like you are tripping on acid watching the film.  The third act here has the same effect.  But while Requiem speaks on the horrors of addiction directly here in Mother! he is using the allegory for death and destruction by being a pretentious douchebag director.

How the fuck did this movie get made?  Who greenlit this shit?  The budget for this film?  $30 million dollars. I hope most of that money went to Jennifer Lawrence’s salary.  Maybe she signed on to make the film and that’s how this film got made. I don’t know.

I went to Rotten Tomatoes where the film is currently rated fresh.  The critics are fucking insane.  They truly are.  Typing in Mother! to get to the Wikipedia some other articles pop up like The Observer with the title “Mother! is the worst film of the year, maybe century” while Vanity Fair says, “Darren Aronofsky’s Mother! joins the ranks of F- Cinemascore films.”  I think that’s being too nice.  I almost want to go back to the movie theater and burn it to the ground just so no one else can see this fucking horrible film.  If someone you know wants to go see it you should bash them in the head with a crowbar.  And when they look at you like WTF what you should say to them is, “You should tell me you’re welcome.  AND you should buy me a steak dinner.”

I really think I could go on and on …on just how fucking horrible this movie is.  But I can’t do it anymore.  You want a good biblical Aronofsky film?  Go see Noah.  You want to put a chainsaw to your skull?  Go see Mother!

RANK: F-

AND….as a special bonus I decided to make a video review because I hated the movie that much.  CLICK BELOW!!!