SPOILERS AHEAD BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TALK ABOUT THIS POS WITHOUT THEM.

I kinda sorta like the Alien series.  I watch them but truly haven’t seen a striking film in the franchise since 1986’s Aliens film.  Many panned Prometheus but I actually enjoyed it quite a bit.  Sure the people were stupid space explorers where stupid once again but people in Alien movies usually are.  Prometheus was originally Alien: Engineers written by Jon Spaihts and a leaked copy of it is on the Internet.  I recommend reading it because it totally fucking kicks ass.  Most of the major problems I had with the actual film seems to be a bunch of crap rewritten by Damon Lindelof.  They made their movie – it is what it is.

Alien Covenant is a sequel to Prometheus and it pretty much sucks ass.  Man did they just royally fuck this up.  I consider this franchise, whether making great, good, or mediocre sequels, very easy to write.  Protagonist?  Female character who is smart and strong who becomes a lot more strong throughout the course of the film(s).  The antagonist?  Alien or alien(s)! Lots of killer xenomorphs.  What does it usually come down to?  Woman vs. Alien.  And we all hope that woman wins.

Now there have been five Alien movies thus far prior to this film (taking out the Alien Vs. Predator movies).  Four of them had Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) as the star.  Ripley was just a crewmember in the first film but we saw her as strong willed at first and then a fucking badass as the first film went on.  After that?  Even as stupid people did stupid things around her she kept her shit together.  She kicked ass.  Doesn’t matter if she is fighting one aliens, many aliens, or some weird hybrid Queen…she just kept going.

Let’s look at Prometheus.  What I liked about this film is it really kept some spirit of Erich van Daniken’s Chariots of the Gods.  The crew of the Prometheus go out in search of humankind’s creators and everything goes to hell.  We have Dr. Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) who is smart but out of her league who quickly becomes a badass.  She has to fight the alien creatures and keeps on ticking.  The end of Prometheus was really incredible because she was able to go off on the mission that they actually came to do: go to the Engineers planet and learn about their creation.  Prometheus promised a bigger, badder sequel.

This film has a bunch of colonists flying to some new planet when they get a weird signal.  Because their ship was damaged they decide to land on this habitable planet to find out where the signal is coming from while trying to determine if this planet, and not the planet they were going to, should be the one to colonize.

When the captain dies in an accident Christopher (Billy Crudup) assume command.  Dany (Katherine Waterston) is now second-in-command.  The two both go down on the “away mission” to the planet while third-in-command Tennessee (Danny McBride) stays on the ship.

Let me break down the entire FIRST HOUR of this fucking film.  Ship, ship, ship, ship, boring character development, land on the planet, walk, walk, walk, something happens for a moment, walk, walk, walk, until our antagonist arrives.

Seriously – if you don’t want this horrid movie spoiled for you stop reading.

The aliens are not the antagonists of this film.  It’s an Aliens film but there are only three aliens in this film.  The actual antagonist of this film is David – the robot from Prometheus.  Turns out David was stuck on this planet and I still won’t completely spoil why he’s there and the events that took him there.  But it seems that David’s massive idea is to make the ultimate killer alien (like we see in the actual Alien films) and these stupid colonists who landed on this planet can make this happen.  And the worst part?  The events of all feature films basically stem from the robot.  It’s like when you found out Anakin Skywalker was the one who built C-3PO but 100 times worse.

Now the film does come down to (in the last 10-15 minutes) a woman battling an alien.  So I guess, in the end, we do get what we want from an Alien film.  But the fight is barely a fight.  Dany comes up with this super quick plan, the plan is enacted, the plan works, the movie’s over.

The end does have a twist at the end that isn’t really a twist.  Everything in this film is written so transparently that you would have to be an idiot to be surprised by anything that happens in this movie.

I’m not sure what directors or casting agents see in Katherine Waterston nor why they continue to cast her in the lead in these big budget films.  I do not like her as an actress nor do I think she was the right person for this part.   Please stop casting her Hollywood.  PLEASE.

Is there good in the movie?  Michael Fassbender has duel roles as robots and he does a great job, especially playing David from Prometheus once again.  Is there ever a bad Michael Fassbender movie?

Danny McBride is not known for his dramatic skills but I was thoroughly impressed by his role in the movie.  He wasn’t silly, crass, or dumb as he usually is.  He was being dramatic and it felt really good for him.  I hope that he actually has more dramatic roles because I would like to see him in it.

James Franco is in this movie for 38 seconds.  It got me to thinking…Franco…McBride…what if they just put the entire cast of This Is The End in the movie and were just serious.  I’d see that movie.  No one else would.  But I would.

In the end Alien Covenant is pretty fucking awful.  While people didn’t like Prometheus at least it strove to do something a bit different for itself.  But this film is a big waste of space.  They actually want to make this into a “trilogy”.  For me the biggest plot point that I couldn’t wait to see in this film was completely wasted.  Not that it affected my ranking of the film…just feels like the last movie was all set-up and then POOF …nothing.

RANK: D

POSTSCRIPT: Did you see how badass the theatrical poster is for this film?  Amazing, right?  It’s totally bullshit.  They show this amazing image to sell you and then you go in and find…crap.